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The edge of reality
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Your threats will always fall shallow against a man who is already dead.


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Panic Attacks

2017-08-16 02:50:50 by Peregrinus-Ferrum

In the past two months I've had three panic attacks. One at work one at my brother's place and one at home. These all have been triggered by existential regret. It's getting harder to justify living the way I do. When It happens I feel my heart kind of burst and I feel overwhelming sadness I feel lost and alone. the last one was mainly triggered from talking about my grandmothers alzhiemers. It's genetic and I'm fucking horrified it will hit me or my brother. My friend tried calming me down, but I just feel this weight on my shoulders. I have really no obligations. (outside of being a punching bag.) No girlfriend no kids or bills. It feels like I'm losing grip with reality. I come off as kind of a hateful douchebag but I'm not it's a stupid edgey facade that I keep up to keep people out. But I'm tired now. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I don't want to live like this but I have to. I see people around me growing up making something of themselves but I just sit here teetering off a cliff. I have become aware that I'm not in a healthy place and I'm aware I really don't have the motivation to change it anymore. I feel like I've just given up. I no longer even want to try. I just want to cease existing. I've said it before but I can't justify actually killing myself because some people do care. I don't know why. I wish I could just leave but I feel like I'm stuck in a metal box in the bottom of the ocean. I don't no what to do.

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